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This Madness You Speak Of: A guide to surviving the March tournament

The opinions expressed in this piece are those of Basketball's inventor, Dr. James Naismith, and not those of Bonobos.

The author, circa 1891

Hear hear, now, what is this speak of March Madness and Lin-sanity? My basket game was invented as a cure-all for mind, body, and spirit alike, and I fail to see how such a salubrious diversion could engender the lunatic frenzy I see bubbling around me. Wait, what's that you say? Kentucky and Syracuse are in the running? Well, that's another @#$! story! And as such, perhaps it would be best to proffer a few congenial tips for heightening the feelings of wellness and equilibrium that I believe my basket game can provide during the troubling ides of March. So, in preparation for this vernal stupefaction brought on by school boy basketball . . . 

1. Be sure that your root cellar or refrigeratorium is well-stocked with icy refreshments for your guests during the games. I might suggest a chilled sarsaprilla or Philly phosphate. I might also suggest avoiding the untemperant malted beers prefered by Dutchmen and the Hun . . . unless you're planning on watching the tournament with the Kaiser!

2. We all know that the curse of the wager is prevalent at such sporting occasions, even among gentlemen of high standing and rigid morals. I've even heard tales told of office pools in which places of business become momentarily and dizzily reduced to nothing more than casino parlors. Posh! If you do engage in such a thing, be careful not to wager beyond your means. Nobody wants to end up milling porridge in debtors prison!

3. My old chum Teddy Roosevelt once taught me a picante little delicacy he learned of during the Spanish-American War known as "7 Layer Bean Dip." He described this peculiar recipe to me once over a game of puff billiards, and I shall recite the ingredients as I remember so that you might prepare it for your basket game guests:

  • medium ripe avocados, peeled, cored, mashed
  • tablespoons lemon juice
  • ½ teaspoon salt
  • ¼ teaspoon pepper
  • ½ cup mayonnaise
  • cup sour cream
  • ½-1 package taco seasoning mix
  • cans bean dip
  • medium tomatoes, chopped
  • bunch green onion, chopped
  • 1 (3 ounce) can black olives (sliced or chopped)
  • 1 (8 ounce) package shredded cheddar cheese
  • 4. Lastly, to enjoy this "March Madness" while maintaining a modicum of sanity, I suggest sensible clothing. I've been told that the haberdasher known as Bonobos is offering pantaloons constructed just for the occasion, perfect for "tearing-away" in the event that your team wins, or in the event that you are sprayed by an ill-tempered polecat. Said "Tear-Away" Chinos may be purchased by clicking here. And this is what they look like, with brackets in the pockets for keeping track of your teams, or possibly even for demonstrating the new scientific principle of electrical circuits:

    So, in closing, I hope my advice for the Madness of March has been helpful, and may you have an otherwise dashing spring, replete with clean air free of all malodorous vapors, fresh beet juice accompanied by curative tonics, and my healthful basket game for your diversion.

    Yours in cordialment,

    Dr. James Naismith